Not cutting it

Today I am just not cutting it. I am defeated. I called my husband to ask him for help. He came home without complaint, and did some house work for me, sent me for lunch and then to sit outside with the kids for a while.

He didn’t place blame.

I’ve been down this week. I’m anemic. And I have some inflammation going on inside.

So I’m reaching out to My Creator for help. Yahweh reach down and pick me up. Place Your crown on me and remind me of my name. I acknowledge You in all my ways. I walk beside You. Place me near quiet waters. May I be still before You. How I need You. Amen.

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Shower Power

You all know this but I’m going to remind you anyhow.

You know when you’re frustrated? Everyday.

People are fighting, they are not appreciating each other, they are inconsiderate, forgetful, and disobedient? Everyday.

Your fuse is short, kids are whining, hunger pangs are near, and dinner is not quite done. Everyday.

Laundry is piling high, stains are everywhere, you’re dehydrated, everyone keeps stealing your food. Everyday.

You’re anemic, you’re failing at self-care, and you’re over-tired.

You’re starting to feel defeated, overcome and undone. Everyday.

———

On these particularly hard days, my solution for six and a half years has and will continue to be one thing. Pop everyone in for a bath or a shower.

Being clean is miraculous. It somehow resets everyone. My floor may still be a dump, my dishes piled high, and my housework only worsens.

In fact, I take care of two types of contained pets. Hamsters and an aquarium. My house reminds me of a hamster cage. Input equals output. The more we live here, the more mess there is here too.

However, I enjoy my clean children more. Their moods diffuse. My oldest is ready for a little more school. The toddler resets himself before dinner. This is the hardest time of the day. My baby’s hair curls back up and I put a dress on her. And I am smiling because even if everything else is the same, I feel better.

Everyone gets a massage. Well, everyone sans me, but it is good for the little ones, but giving that massage is The Great Reconnection we need.

I’m home with them all day. I’m chef, mother, example, teacher, student, guide, cleaning lady, pastor, counselor, AND I set the tone for their existence right now. They give me back what I give them.

Dear Mothers

Happy Mother’s Day! I love this day. But not all of us do. Those of us who have lost children either from the womb or after birth, or some even after many years of life, or just a few years of life lament this day. Others of us have grief because we have lost our mothers. My heart extends to yours. And still others feel unappreciated, unrecognized, or passed over. Some of us are not going to experience a celebration. Others will experience a celebration on the outside but not on the inside. I wanted to write this post because I see you.

I was laying here thinking that in almost 14 years of marriage, and over 6 years of being a mother x 3, that I love this day.

I love this day because I have children. I love this day because I have a husband who loves me. And I love this day because I have a mother. I have it all. The Lord took my grandma, and I only knew one grandma, but He gave me another one through my husband and we love her dearly. She is wonderful. And we also have his mother. She is also beautiful, inside and out.

My normal celebration was bringing my mom breakfast in bed. Then as I got older, I added a tradition of taking her on a picnic. I always bought her a corsage – always tried to find a pink iris with a pink ribbon. And if we were with other women in our family I got one for them too. Now I live in another city. I am sad I can’t celebrate her in person. We did the best we could from afar.

As for my own celebration, I’ve evolved. Over these relatively short years of marriage (I hope we can pass 60 years together… we would be centurions!) I’ve learned how to be less selfish. Yes, I meant to say it that way… less selfish. Sure, it’s a day to celebrate motherhood. What does that mean?

For me, it has become giving my children an opportunity to prepare a gift for someone else: me and their grandmas. It is a moment to teach them how to affirm someone else and make them feel special. So this is what I told my husband was important to me: help the children learn this lesson. I have two boys who are old enough to glean from this opportunity. And it’s our chance to show them honest gratitude.

A key to enjoying this day is to know yourself. It’s very advised to help your husbands be successful. Tell them how to help you feel special. Some of you don’t want to have to tell your husbands what to do for you… but you should get over that! Sometimes they need some direction, and they appreciate it! But warning, if your husband doesn’t like input, then don’t tell him!

Here’s how I do this: “What do you have planned for Mother’s Day?”

He says: “What would you like to do?”

I say: “(insert some suggestions)”

Listen, I know not all husbands will ask. Some will say, “I haven’t thought about it;” “I haven’t planned anything;” or “it’s a surprise”.

Then after the event, or during, give specific compliments. Did you know men do better with very specific compliments? Such as,

  • “I love how you thought about (insert this)”
  • “That took a lot of planning and juggling on your part;”
  • “That food was delicious!”
  • “You lost sleep to prepare this for me!”

What do you do if your man does nothing for you?

Then treat yourself. Take yourself somewhere, buy yourself a book, go have a coffee or tea, give yourself permission not to work for a day and declare a No Work Day for yourself to your family, spend all day playing with your kids, declare a YoYo food day (you’re on your own), make a plan to go out with a friend — you get the picture. But I think my favorite idea is you could serve another mother (whose husband isn’t gifted in this area) by treating her and her family over for brunch or lunch or dinner. And you can still pay compliments to your spouse. Here are some compliments you can think about saying that have nothing to do with a man’s special preparations for you for Mother’s Day – they are just truths I hope are true for you:

  • “You work hard to provide for us an excellent life – thank you;” (this is true even if he is a stay at home dad; this is true if he is currently laid off; this is true if he is not providing much right now… be specific about any small thing he does for your family)
  • “I wouldn’t be as successful in my mothering without your support” (this is true even if his contributions are minor in your eyes)
  • “It seems like you made our child look extra nice today!” (Unless he didn’t get them dressed… but maybe he has corrected some behavior or a heart issue, or taught them something)
  • “You look so handsome for me!” (Even if he looks the same every day!)
  • “Everyday when you do your thing, you enable me to do mine.” (Still true in every case)
  • “Our kids benefit so much because you spend time with them.” (Even if the time is little).

Listen, some of you have a hard life. I am trying to show you a way of gratitude. When you treat men like men, they act like men. When you treat men like boys, they act like boys.

Know yourself though. Your joy comes from the Lord. If you don’t have joy, study where it comes from! The Bible shows the way!

I will close with a Happy Blessed Mother’s Day with for you!! Xoxo

Notes and Take-aways from Andrew Pudewa’s Teaching Boys and Other Children Who Would Rather Build Forts All Day

I thoroughly enjoy whenever Andrew Pudewa speaks. Here are notes from this recent webinar: “Teaching Boys and Other Children Who Would Rather Build Forts All Day”. This talk was about the neurological differences between male and female. He answers the questions like how we sense and feel differently, and how that changes our teaching. He also discusses motivation and two wonderful secret teaching weapons we all should have. Thank you Andrew!

FIRST PART: Neuro differences between male and female. How we sense and feel differently, and how that changes our teaching.

Hearing & Attention: Most boys need louder sounds to attenuate than girls. This is a measurable studied phenomenon that starts differentiating in newborns. Girls can hear 3x softer than boys on the decimal scale in newborns. At 1-3 years old, girls can hear up to 10x softer than boys on the decimal scale. Barometric pressure, appetite, sleep, temperature, and other issues impact hearing. If you can’t hear what’s going on, you would have a hard time paying attention! If you talk loud enough to engage the boys, the girls might think you’re screaming, yikes! SO, try talking more directly, closer, and with a louder voice to boys.

Vision & Attention: Most males detect speed and direction with greater accuracy, while women detect color and texture with greater accuracy or vibrancy. Convergence of vision, speed, direction, color and texture is how we see and process visual input. This also impacts what we see more easily. Boys prefer to look at things they can see better (movement). Boys tend to draw things in motion… verbs. Girls prefer to look at things they love like horses, flowers, and scenery.

It also impacts the way we perceive the world and write about it. Descriptors, or key words, for males tend to be verbs and adverbs. Descriptors, or key words, for females tend to be nouns and adjectives. You can talk to a boy with an attitude change when you talk to a boy using descriptors that is more in line with their personalities (i.e. “Do you want me to help you add more details to that story?” VS “Do you want me to help you add more action to that story?”.

Stress and Attention. Males have a quicker response to stress with fight or flight, which is regulated by body movement in the sympathetic nervous system. Women have a slower response to stress, and their bodies lower the heart rate and blood flow because the parasympathetic system engages first. We could be giving mixed messages to boys. Boys under stress (stressful work) should stand up and move! Stand at the counter and do your work. Girls under stress may do better curled up in a beanbag when they’re tackling difficult work.

Temperature and Attention. Girls learn best where it’s a little warmer, while boys learn best when it’s a little cooler.

SECOND PART: Motivation. 4 Forms of Relevancy, 3 Laws of Motivation and 2 Secret Weapons

Learning needs to be (1) applicable, (2) meaningful, (3) interesting and (4) relevant in some way, it’s easier to learn. If something is relevant, it’s easier to learn. If it’s irrelevant it’s really hard to learn.

There are 4 Forms of Relevancy according to Pudewa:

  1. Intrinsic: it’s part of who you are… like how boys like weapons and tools. If your children are REALLY interested in something, capitalize on it. Give them opportunities in every way to learn about that topic, because the learning will be very profound to them.
  2. Inspired: it’s environmental… for example, if your family hikes, so you hike all the time, then you will know lots about hiking. Or if your dad loves music, and you want to impress him, so you learn music so you can relate to him. Work hard to inspire your children with those things we love and are inspired by, and outsource the things that you don’t love.
  3. Contrived (games): for example, things you don’t naturally love but you need to learn them anyhow. Create a game to make the learning topic interesting, and have one that’s possible to win, and one in which you experience wins and losses if you have any kind of economic game. Ex: Get Mom’s dollar: A game where the kids fix their own spelling errors. They earn a certain amount based on how many errors they find and fix. Boys seem to be especially wired to these kinds of economic games, and competitive games.
  4. Enforced: you must learn this or you must suffer a penalty. But you won’t get the real learning in this scenario. Students learn fast when they choose to learn.

The three laws of motivation:

  1. Children LIKE to do what they CAN do. And they are always getting better at things, so there is joy in their lives! Allocate 60-80% of their education time learning here, and help them get better.
  2. Children LIKE to do what they THINK they can do. Once they try and are successful a few times, then they like it! Allocate 20-40% of their education time learning here, and help them be successful.
  3. Children HATE to do what they THINK they CANNOT do. Children prefer punishment over failure if they believe they can’t be successful in it. How sad! Kids can fail more than adults can, and are willing to try again. Allocate almost 0% of their education time learning here wherever possible. Instead, back off and go to a simpler level of complexity where they did have success, and when it’s easy, then move up.

Two Secret Weapons.

One, the emotional bank account matters. ‘Deposit love into the child, so you can live off the interest’ – Suzuki. Build a child up so much, so that when you need to offer a correction, the child can sustain it. No one likes constant correction. Balance the correction. Offer 10 positives before adding 1 negative.

Two, the power of a smile is STRONG!! Be unconditionally excited and appreciative of your child’s efforts! Treat your own kids like you treat other peoples’ kids if you have to, in order to find more patience! Be grateful, acknowledge, see their effort!

His other tidbit – Wow!: Primary grades are when learning decisions are made (K-2), so it’s better to segregate by gender. A learning decision answers the questions like this: “Can I please my teacher or not?”; “Am I good or bad at something?”

For more, see books by Leonard Sax for more (though Pudewa doesn’t agree with everything Sax says):

  • Why Gender Matters
  • Boys Adrift, 
  • Girls on the Edge
  • The Collapse of Parenting

P.S. Pudewa warns not to leave these books laying around the house if your children read anything left around 🙂